Let us speak of the Church of the SubGenius; for those of you already initiated, this will serve as a review of sorts, touching the mere tip of the enigma wrapped in the mystery of the conundrum that is "Bob" Dobbs, "Connie" Dobbs, all things Slackful, & those that are not. For those of you who are curious, aroused yet disturbed by what you may have already seen or heard, this should help clear things up. Or not. And for those of you who just wandered in here "by accident" (HA!), THIS EVENING WILL CHANGE YOUR ENTIRE LIFE! THIS IS WHAT YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR, WHETHER YOU KNOW IT OR NOT! Good thing you had $6...

Many have asked, "Rev. Fluffy, what exactly IS a SubGenius?" Well, for those of you who are clueless, or not sure if you're of the bloodline, ask yourselves if any of the following apply to YOU:

You May Be a SubGenius If:

1. You are at least DIMLY aware of your unique strangeness, your "je nais se queer", so to speak, & will strive, even after YEARS of blind CON-formity, to break through every cultural, societal, ethnic, gender, & religious myth, INCLUDING YOUR OWN, to let your Freak Flag fly! Even the most ardent SubGenius vegan will kill & eat their own Sacred Cows regularly.
2. You are willing to stand your ground & defend your "Bob"-given, inalienable right & priviledge to be YOUR PECULIAR SELF, the YOU OF YOU, a rainbow of color in a sea of Pinks. Taking this further, you'll do this EVEN IF OTHER SUBGENII DON'T LIKE IT! ESPECIALLY if they don't like it -- who are they to harsh your mellow?
3. You also, when necessary, are willing to stand with your fellow SubGenii to defend each other's weirdness, even if you don't like each other. You grasp the concept that the Conspiracy -- that great unwashed cancerous mass of cretins bent on destroying everything good, honorable, fun, & uncontrollable by them -- WANTS us to be a disheveled bunch of clannish, curmudeonly, conformingly non-conformist whiners, because THEN WE'RE EASIER TO SPOT & CONTROL!
4. Going even further -- you understand the concept of being at one with the Fightin' "Bob", the Fightin' Jesus, the Fightin' Buudha, etc. The true SubGenius will be your ally, because you sure as hell don't want him or her as your enemy!
5. You grasp the words of Ring Lardner: "Life is tough. 3 out of 3 people die, so shut up & deal!" Let whining Pink Boys & Conspiracy dupes blame their foibles on others; the SubGenius is PROUD of HIS foibles, & will, if given enough money, drugs, & blowjobs, be more than happy to share them with you. And sometimes rub up against you with them in a rather disturbing way...
6. You also understand Lenny Bruce's statement that "What is, is. What should or could be is nothing but a lie." So you'll pull the wool over you own eyes rather than let anyone else do it for you.
7. You understand that Slack -- what you do for the joy of it -- cannot be taken from you because it is innate TO YOU. False Slack, however, can be invented & used by the Conspiracy to weaken you & turn you into yet another corporate slave. If I rob the bank for the sheer joy of getting away with it, that's Slack. If I rob the bank because I desperately need the money to buy the boob job to look like Britney Spears to keep my husband from running off with that slut from accounting because HE says that MY blowjobs aren't good enough (what the fuck would HE know about ANYTHING ORAL!?!) -- that's False Slack.
8. You know that death is not optional, & therefore will be called by Dobbs to account for all the good things on the planet that you refused to enjoy. Meaning, when you drink that yummy Nimbus beer, don't JUST drink it -- DRINK THE HELL OUT OF IT! When you eat that hamburger at the Meet Rack Bar, EAT THE HELL OUT OF IT! When you eat your GIRLFRIEND -- EAT THE HELL OUT OF HER! She'll THANK you! And of course, when you suck your boyfriend -- SUCK THE HELL OUT OF HIM! But DON'T BLOW!
9. You know that every Conspiracy Dupe who's pinker than a baboon's backside is a potential SubGenius in dormancy, & you'll do whatever it takes, using whatever WEAPONS OF MASS SEDUCTION you possess, to remind him or her of their true nature. Because, truly, the lover of my enemy is NOT my enemy -- he's a potential affair on the side...
10. Finally, you understand that guilt, fear, & love are the 3 greatest motivators in the universe. Guilt is more insidious, fear certainly louder, but love is always stronger. So, if you can't manipulate 'em with guilt, or terrify 'em with fear, FUCK 'EM until their eyes roll back in their head, their toes curl, & every ounce of liquid is drained from their body, & believe me, they'll do anything you want!

Praise "Bob"!

"Connie's" SexHurt Brag

Serving Suggestion: for best results, invoke the Spirit o' "Connie" by reading out loud, with FEELING (not to mention feeling-up...):

I'm the one who put the "femme" in feminism! when I come, EVERYBODY smokes afterwards, ESPECIALLY me! When I suck you off, it'll be the most draining experience, in a really GOOD way, that you'll ever have! Drugs? I AM a drug -- the ultimate aphrodisiac! I eat kiwi fruit with the hairy skin on, just for practice! When I created the universe, the term "Big Bang" was given a whole new meaning! Sex with me is so profane that it's sacred, & vise versa! I deflower nuns purely out of habit! I bled the Red Sea! When I'm pre-menstrual, my mood swings cause tsunamis! My blowjobs are so great that they really ARE lip service! The term "USDA Choice" was coined after glimpsing my rump roast! Aliens invented anal probes in my honor! The milk of more-than-human kindness flows from my breasts! Aphrodite & Eros are MY apprentices! The Pope declared me the 8th Deadly Sin! Peaches envy my succulent fuzz & yummy nectar, & bananas find me appealing! Jesus' second comng is due to me -- as was his first! I can turn a Backstreet Boy into a backdoor man overnight! I'll show you that golden showers do not bring flowers! I'll go down like the Titanic, but it definitely will NOT be my maiden voyage! Remember, there's nothing like my Hummer -- & I'm NOT referring to a vehicle! When will "Bob" come? Usually about 5-7 minutes after I do! Sex toys? Yeah, I invented 'em, including but not limited to vibrators, butt plugs, house cats, & that exquisite person sitting or standing next to you... yeah, that one -- nice work, eh? ...[trance expires]...